The Inner Judge

First a quick update on Uncle Mak. I left the bandage with the herbs on my knee for 24 hours as he had told me. I still felt some pain after taking it off but the next morning it was gone. Since then I survived two kung fu classes and an intense twelve-hour shooting day. My knee feels like nothing ever happened to it. Uncle Mack is absolutely amazing!

Today I want to talk about one of my favorite activities, judging and blaming myself. This is tightly connected to the theme of my last post “Control”. It goes like this:

First I try to control the outcome of my actions then I worry that I might not get what I want and judge myself for not getting it. The whole thing is of course totally unnecessary. First of all I don’t have control of the outcome. Second of all do I really know what is good for me? Goals are created by our minds. The heart can only feel but it is more a longing then a goal. We might long for a person that we can spend a longer period of time with, we might long for a job that we are happy doing. Then our mind kicks in and we come up with goals and expectations. But do we know what is best for us?

The German philosopher Wolfgang Goethe once said, “There are more tears spent in the world for wishes that have been fulfilled then for unfulfilled ones”.

I of course know what I want, I control my life as much as possible to get it, I worry all the time because I am uncertain about getting it and I judge myself if things turn out differently. It is really good to write all of this down to be able to see clearly the high level of insanity behind it.

I come up with something I can’t be sure about to be good for me. I worry about not getting what potentially might be really bad in the first place and I am judging myself for not getting something that might hurt me. Only an insane man can act that way.

But it comes even better. I’m obviously aware that what I am doing is crazy but I still have a hard time letting it go. Here is the embarrassing truth:

I love blaming and judging myself! I really like it. I am so used to it, I have been practicing it for many years. It is very clear to me now that I constantly set myself up for judgment. I come up with all these rules (control!):

I have to meditate two hours per day, write my diary on a daily basis, practice yoga every day, be the best photographer in the world, write a blog post daily, go to the gym and be a kung fu master. The sky was always my limit. This is the perfect set up my inner judge has a feast. You did not meditate! Where is your yoga practice? You did not write this morning! You are almost 38, where is the fame and where is the money? You are behind with writing your blog AGAIN! You skipped the gym you are falling apart! You suck in kung fu because you don’t practice enough!

Why do I do this? I am not 100% sure. But growing up my father was the one who was very hard on me. Nothing was ever good enough. Everything had to be controlled and he was constantly worried. When I judge myself I feel safe, I feel at home and protected.

37 years of doing this is enough, I am exhausted. I’m letting go of loving to blame and to judge myself, I’m letting go of my inner judge, I’m letting go of my father.




“The Inner Judge” Williamsburg/Brooklyn/Self Portrait on Polaroid 09-08-08 at 11:15PM

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