Change (Part 1)

Again I made it last minuet to post the blog. I went to a record release party of Obliqsound for their artist “Grand Pionomax”. I had a great time but ended up having to run out to make it on time to my computer.

On the way home I realized that because of the blog I am doing the opposite of what I am talking about in my posts. I am not going with life. I go home to write my blog because my ego will feel really good for a few moments when I do not miss one single day without writing and posting an image. Then I will get the prize of being the most focused, most reliable crazy German ever. My ego will be so blown up it will probably explode. But at what price?

I can be tremendously consistent. I did the “Course in Miracles” twice. The “Course in Miracles” is a spiritual book with a workbook part that has 365 lessons, one lesson for each day of the year. I did not miss one day. Even better, when I did it the second time I wrote three pages about every single lessen and did not miss one page, I wrote 1095 long pages. What was waiting for me at the end of those two years? Did I find enlightenment? No. Did I feel better about myself? Not really. I practiced yoga six days a week for two hours per day, stopped drinking to show how much I am able to control myself and did not have a drop of alcohol for five years. “Look how strong and powerful I am, look how focused I am”. Does control and effort bring us happiness?

I am still beating myself up in the morning if I do not practice yoga. “Look how flexible I am, and I can stand up from a backbend!” And I am able to work like crazy too. Just recently did this job and worked 26 hours nonstop. “Ahhh, Carsten is such a hard worker, he is amazing.” “Look at Carsten what a guy!”  But I am not amazing I am very stupid.

I am still doing exactly what I have been writing about not to do. Live a life controlled by my mind, a life controlled by my ego. I think this is a question for everybody. What is the great prize that will await us at the end of our life’s? I mean lets assume there is a heaven and my time is up and I end up in heaven instead of in hell (I do not believe in either). I meet God and he says: “Carsten, I am very proud of you because you were such a hard worker and so persistent.”. Or maybe it is the opposite. He might say” Carsten, look how many adventures you missed. I had all this joy and happiness for you but you never experienced it because you always listened to your mind, to your ideas about life and never to your heart. You never went into the unknown.”

Did I do all these things to hide from life? Maybe it was just an excuse not to be out playing and to have fun. At the end nobody gets out of this experience alive. But how do we spend our time? Can we say at the end of our life’s that we have lived? Will I be able to say I have lived? Or will I have to say I was preparing to live but died before I was able to go for it? What is there to achieve that we do not have to leave behind anyway? Who will remember us in 100 years from now? Maybe some of us will be remembered but does it really make a difference to us since we are not here any more? How much have I missed out on life all these years?

Well, I cannot change the past but I can change and through me changing influence the future. I have been hiding enough for one lifetime. I will not hide behind this blog. I am changing the rules. I will try to write my blog every day of the year but if I am not able to write it’s o.k. Who will judge me besides my own ego anyway? 

 

 

Grand Pianoramax at “The Biggest Piano In Town” launch party.

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Gone. Williamsburg/Brooklyn 01-17-08 at 12:47 PM.

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Please check out my website at carstenfleck.com

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