About anger…….

I spent the last two days fighting with my printer. I had the amazing idea to buy roll paper and spent the last 48 hours try to make it work. But this time even hours on online help forums did not solve the problem. I really do not like to get things not my way. Especially since I am usually able to figure technical things out. I want it my way. I want this printer to work because then I print all these beautiful prints and start to work for these amazing clients and then I am finally rich, famous and happy. But do I really need to do that to be happy? Besides the printer not working I am actually happy right here right now. Do I know that I need these prints to get jobs or would it be better to hang out at Starbucks and run into somebody who works in the industry who just likes me and wants to work with me? In my experience this is how a lot of people are getting jobs. Clients work with photographers because they like them. The work is important as well  but to look at that I can send people to my website. I did not have to show anybody my book for most of the jobs I shot. So the issue with me being upset is that I think I know what I have to do to get what I want, when in reality I have no idea. And that by doing so, I can control the outcome, what in reality I can’t. Two days past, two days I was so angry I had steam coming out of my ears. Rage, frustration, hate towards Epson the manufacturer. Two days of my short time that I am here on earth wasted for what? I would not even say anything if I would know how to get where I want to get and could have any control over it. But as we just found out I do not know and I cannot control. I wasted two days of my life being upset about a misbelieve. All that anger was for nothing. And that applies for everything I am angry about. I want it my way even though I have no idea if “my way” is the way that is best for me. And then I do not get it, what is better for me anyway and then I am upset even though I should be happy because I really got what I needed to get what is not what I wanted. Uhhh, my head is spinning! I think a good way to do this is to ask myself every time I get angry about something “what do I get angry about?”. And in that moment I should realize that I am getting angry for envisioning a positive event I projected into the future not to happen because I project not getting what I want to interfere making that envisioned future event reality. It should help me to see that nothing about this whole thing is real, it is all in my head and hence I get upset about nothing. And then I can continue without getting angry about absolutely nothing, having a joyous time being a photographer in one of the greatest cities in the world and being fortunate to make a living with what I love to do. J

 

 

New York Is Dead/Self Portrait. Subway Bar, Williamsburg/Brooklyn 01-09-08 at 02:33 AM 

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Please check out my website at carstenfleck.com

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